No particular subject

I just realized that I suck in spelling. I can't ever seem to type the word experience correctly...i always type expirience instead. I am sure anyone who pays attention to my posts and remembers a great deal of their grammar lessons has a lot to teach me.

I hereby promise to take caution and do a better job in future.

Terminus cont.

You know how I said some of my relationship has ended on my last post. I think I will have to retract that statement. The reason why I decided to make that decision is because I haven’t heard from this individual in a while and to me that’s a good enough reason to cut all ties between us. But I guess he hasn’t gotten the message yet.

As they say, this is a developing story and we have to wait to see how things go on from here.

In other matters making headlines, Asmahan is wondering if there is an invitation on her forehead that saying that  needs a husband. Suddenly every male on the planet who lays eyes on me wants to marry. Not court me, screw me or any nasty ideas. They are all interested in nuptials. I am going to hurt someone one of this days.

Terminus

Its only the fourth month of the year but so many things are ending in my life. There's relationships, internships, my first year of graduate school  and my first semester as a lecturer.

School has been exhausting. Learning and teaching at the same time is  a herculian task. The reason why I enrolled for  my masters was to learn more but how can someone who waits on others to impart their knowledge on them, take up the responsibilty of chasing away the ignorance of others. Speaking of chasing away ignorance, I have not succeeded in that at all. My students are still as dumb as a post. I felt sorry for them. How does someone go through half a course and still have no idea what he is learning about? Its very discouraging especially for tutors who have no expirience like yours truly.

Now am tired of typing so we
will pick up from there next time.
........

I just remembered that i have not posted anything on my blolg for two months and it broke my heart..or whatever is left of it. So i decided to do a post this morning. Problem is i don't know what to talk about. Yes, Asmahan has nothing to say. Weird...i think i might be losing my mojo.

But not to worry, my brain comes equipped with a back up hard drive dull of stupid ideas specifically for this.

Now let’s see……..

I think I better rethink this thought of dishing out my crazy ideas. (I doubt that was a semantically correct sentence). I wouldn’t want to piss off my two followers.

These people have a great deal of patience and took their time to read my posts. But I think the main reason they are a part of this is because they have foreseen my greatness and are trying to play nice so that when my moment to shine arrives, they’d be standing next to me. I guess they haven’t realised that the spotlight would be on me. But then again, you can’t blame them for trying.  

Am starting to think this attempt in posting something today is headed nowhere, so I’ll stop there for now.

It's over

Yesterday was Valentine’s Day, the day of love. Am not sure why this day exists but I guess every miserable soul on the planet felt the same. I spent most of my day in the hospital but I couldn’t run away from the truth. Every office you entered had red flowers and the ladies made sure it was visible.

 Why can’t they put them under the table or something? Hellooo…some of us have only gotten flowers once in our lives and others hope that day won’t be when their bodies are about to be thrown down a six foot hole.

At around 3 in the afternoon I decided to run away from the madness in Nairobi and return to this little part of the world where love is not considered a priority. The matatu ride was the longest and most boring. The driver was in the v day mood and played Westlife and Boys to Men. I almost strangled myself thinking it was a plot to frustrate me.  By the time I got to juja, the Chinese sons of bitches who are making the road had blocked the way in and my journey got even longer.

When I got to my house, I decided to a post but started watching glee and my day turned around. Trust the cast of glee to put a smile on the face of a sad woman. Then I started reading other blogs and completely forgot to update my one follower about my day. Speaking of my audience, while looking for notes on online journalism a couple of weeks ago, I bumped into an interesting statement. “Bloggers take pride in their posts even if no one reads them.” I made sure I told my students that but I couldn’t use myself as an example.

By 8 30pm I was asleep dreaming about dogs and my high school teacher spanking me. Very creepy…Seriously! This guy was short, had a big belly and bum. Take a minute to internalize that.

 In my nightmare, I met my teacher and he hugged me. Weird. I was with my small brother who started running around and then my teacher told me he’s going to spank me for my brother’s behavior…and he did. Is it possible to undream dreams? Is that even a word?

Then someone woke me up at a quarter past midnight to wish me a happy v day. I don’t know if he was trying to be funny coz it was already the 15^th of February and he was in the same time zone. There is a reason why midnight is 00 00 hours. So that you can reset any four important aspects of your life and start fresh with hope that the next day would be different. Be hopeful that you’ll get a promotion, get laid or bump into your soul mate.

I have to go prepare for my lecture. Have a nice day where you won’t feel like the red on the butchery wall is mocking you and the red on Airtel adverts won’t be intoxicating.

my hour on the couch

When I decided to start blogging, I felt like I needed some outlet to release all the things I couldn’t handle inside. But I am too much of a critic that I never even let any thoughts come alive and I hardly ever experience any of my feelings. I always have something to write about by I would change my mind after two seconds. Am too uptight and such a stuck up bitch that I can’t give myself a chance to live through some experiences. My dreams and ambitions always remain that because I can never bring myself to work towards them.

I never know what I want in life. I can’t make simple decisions on what to have for breakfast or what shoes to wear. I rely on impulse and those heat-of-the-moment decisions. I can’t really say that this has been going well for me because I wouldn’t be saying this. I have wanted so many things in this life and haven’t gotten around to achieving any of them.

I have seen myself change over the past four years. My priorities have changed my life goals, my fears and my passion. I used to hate being alone but today I hardly come into contact with people. On any average day of my life today I see the cleaning lady, the lady at the café where I eat and my lecturer. Sometimes I don’t even have any lectures and I’ll spend the whole day in my room watching episodes of Big Bang Theory that I’ve watched over a thousand times.  I have over fifty movies that I haven’t watched but I can’t bring myself to that point where I want to watch them.

What is so wrong with me that I can’t give myself the pleasure of experiencing something new? Why do I have to have what I have already had?

I didn’t intend on this blog to be my therapist’s couch but I have to let a little steam off. Most of the time I come off as this woman who has no care in this world but it’s not the real me.  I have this vulnerable side that I never let anyone see. Very few people know me. If I died today, am sure everyone will have a different story as to who I was a person. Every time I see my reflection in a mirror it’s always another person staring back at me. I haven’t seen myself since I was seventeen years old. Back then I had a very clear description of soul and being. I could very easily give an explanation of my existence.

I know you are all thinking that life doesn’t always turn out the way you wanted and some things are bound to happen but I feel like I shouldn’t lose myself when am this young. Am barely into my twenties and I have no idea what I want or even why I want anything. I say I don’t know so many times, some people think it should be my name.

As short as my life has been, I have had a lot of things that most people would wish for. But these are things I do not want. I might need them but I do not want them. I want other things…but I guess there is no point in wanting other things when I do not know what they are.    

The new year, new friends and new adventures.

I hope the year has been good to you so far. I hope you had a great time in ushering the year. I tend to believe the first day of a year, month or week determines how the rest will be. Like if you get to class late on the first day, then you are going to be late for the rest of that year, month or week. I know this to be true coz it’s happened to me.

Now that I’ve said that I hope it’s not true for my friend. She had quite an eventful new year's eve. Her name is Scarlett...ok that's not her real name, but I’ll call her that coz she loves Scarlett Johansson plus she has these qualities you can only find in white girls.

So like most young people she decided to go partying on that night. As she and her friend got intoxicated, all these crazy thoughts crept into her mind. She is always very careful but all that caution was thrown to the wind when she decided to smoke weed in a club in town. I don’t people should even think about weed when you are in Nairobi…not with so many hungry cops around. Anyway, I guess there was a little sanity left in her, coz they figured the best place to do it was the bathroom. They were enjoying the trees they smoked but it didn’t last for long. Some stupid and very jealous woman went and told the bouncer about my friend and her little adventure.

So this massive frame came in and swung the door to the ladies open. The two party girls had already finished their joint but the smell gave them away. The bouncer started causing and threatening to call the cops. My friend started arguing that he had no evidence that they were smoking anything illegal. She was feeling like this very great lawyer who was addressing a jury and arguing that Onyancha is innocent. I guess her smart ass remark pissed off that bully coz that mother fucker slapped her. Right across the cheek…ouch!

I know I should feel sorry for her but I find it very hilarious coz when she told me the story, she made sound like he just stepped on her toe. It’s still funny just remembering the tone of her voice, like it wasn’t such a big deal.

I don't have any crazy story to share on my part about this little holiday coz i spent most of the time at home being a good girl. I hope you all have a blessed year where all your dreams get to come true. Even those nasty ones that you think about every now and then.