my hour on the couch

When I decided to start blogging, I felt like I needed some outlet to release all the things I couldn’t handle inside. But I am too much of a critic that I never even let any thoughts come alive and I hardly ever experience any of my feelings. I always have something to write about by I would change my mind after two seconds. Am too uptight and such a stuck up bitch that I can’t give myself a chance to live through some experiences. My dreams and ambitions always remain that because I can never bring myself to work towards them.

I never know what I want in life. I can’t make simple decisions on what to have for breakfast or what shoes to wear. I rely on impulse and those heat-of-the-moment decisions. I can’t really say that this has been going well for me because I wouldn’t be saying this. I have wanted so many things in this life and haven’t gotten around to achieving any of them.

I have seen myself change over the past four years. My priorities have changed my life goals, my fears and my passion. I used to hate being alone but today I hardly come into contact with people. On any average day of my life today I see the cleaning lady, the lady at the café where I eat and my lecturer. Sometimes I don’t even have any lectures and I’ll spend the whole day in my room watching episodes of Big Bang Theory that I’ve watched over a thousand times.  I have over fifty movies that I haven’t watched but I can’t bring myself to that point where I want to watch them.

What is so wrong with me that I can’t give myself the pleasure of experiencing something new? Why do I have to have what I have already had?

I didn’t intend on this blog to be my therapist’s couch but I have to let a little steam off. Most of the time I come off as this woman who has no care in this world but it’s not the real me.  I have this vulnerable side that I never let anyone see. Very few people know me. If I died today, am sure everyone will have a different story as to who I was a person. Every time I see my reflection in a mirror it’s always another person staring back at me. I haven’t seen myself since I was seventeen years old. Back then I had a very clear description of soul and being. I could very easily give an explanation of my existence.

I know you are all thinking that life doesn’t always turn out the way you wanted and some things are bound to happen but I feel like I shouldn’t lose myself when am this young. Am barely into my twenties and I have no idea what I want or even why I want anything. I say I don’t know so many times, some people think it should be my name.

As short as my life has been, I have had a lot of things that most people would wish for. But these are things I do not want. I might need them but I do not want them. I want other things…but I guess there is no point in wanting other things when I do not know what they are.