It's over

Yesterday was Valentine’s Day, the day of love. Am not sure why this day exists but I guess every miserable soul on the planet felt the same. I spent most of my day in the hospital but I couldn’t run away from the truth. Every office you entered had red flowers and the ladies made sure it was visible.

 Why can’t they put them under the table or something? Hellooo…some of us have only gotten flowers once in our lives and others hope that day won’t be when their bodies are about to be thrown down a six foot hole.

At around 3 in the afternoon I decided to run away from the madness in Nairobi and return to this little part of the world where love is not considered a priority. The matatu ride was the longest and most boring. The driver was in the v day mood and played Westlife and Boys to Men. I almost strangled myself thinking it was a plot to frustrate me.  By the time I got to juja, the Chinese sons of bitches who are making the road had blocked the way in and my journey got even longer.

When I got to my house, I decided to a post but started watching glee and my day turned around. Trust the cast of glee to put a smile on the face of a sad woman. Then I started reading other blogs and completely forgot to update my one follower about my day. Speaking of my audience, while looking for notes on online journalism a couple of weeks ago, I bumped into an interesting statement. “Bloggers take pride in their posts even if no one reads them.” I made sure I told my students that but I couldn’t use myself as an example.

By 8 30pm I was asleep dreaming about dogs and my high school teacher spanking me. Very creepy…Seriously! This guy was short, had a big belly and bum. Take a minute to internalize that.

 In my nightmare, I met my teacher and he hugged me. Weird. I was with my small brother who started running around and then my teacher told me he’s going to spank me for my brother’s behavior…and he did. Is it possible to undream dreams? Is that even a word?

Then someone woke me up at a quarter past midnight to wish me a happy v day. I don’t know if he was trying to be funny coz it was already the 15^th of February and he was in the same time zone. There is a reason why midnight is 00 00 hours. So that you can reset any four important aspects of your life and start fresh with hope that the next day would be different. Be hopeful that you’ll get a promotion, get laid or bump into your soul mate.

I have to go prepare for my lecture. Have a nice day where you won’t feel like the red on the butchery wall is mocking you and the red on Airtel adverts won’t be intoxicating.

my hour on the couch

When I decided to start blogging, I felt like I needed some outlet to release all the things I couldn’t handle inside. But I am too much of a critic that I never even let any thoughts come alive and I hardly ever experience any of my feelings. I always have something to write about by I would change my mind after two seconds. Am too uptight and such a stuck up bitch that I can’t give myself a chance to live through some experiences. My dreams and ambitions always remain that because I can never bring myself to work towards them.

I never know what I want in life. I can’t make simple decisions on what to have for breakfast or what shoes to wear. I rely on impulse and those heat-of-the-moment decisions. I can’t really say that this has been going well for me because I wouldn’t be saying this. I have wanted so many things in this life and haven’t gotten around to achieving any of them.

I have seen myself change over the past four years. My priorities have changed my life goals, my fears and my passion. I used to hate being alone but today I hardly come into contact with people. On any average day of my life today I see the cleaning lady, the lady at the café where I eat and my lecturer. Sometimes I don’t even have any lectures and I’ll spend the whole day in my room watching episodes of Big Bang Theory that I’ve watched over a thousand times.  I have over fifty movies that I haven’t watched but I can’t bring myself to that point where I want to watch them.

What is so wrong with me that I can’t give myself the pleasure of experiencing something new? Why do I have to have what I have already had?

I didn’t intend on this blog to be my therapist’s couch but I have to let a little steam off. Most of the time I come off as this woman who has no care in this world but it’s not the real me.  I have this vulnerable side that I never let anyone see. Very few people know me. If I died today, am sure everyone will have a different story as to who I was a person. Every time I see my reflection in a mirror it’s always another person staring back at me. I haven’t seen myself since I was seventeen years old. Back then I had a very clear description of soul and being. I could very easily give an explanation of my existence.

I know you are all thinking that life doesn’t always turn out the way you wanted and some things are bound to happen but I feel like I shouldn’t lose myself when am this young. Am barely into my twenties and I have no idea what I want or even why I want anything. I say I don’t know so many times, some people think it should be my name.

As short as my life has been, I have had a lot of things that most people would wish for. But these are things I do not want. I might need them but I do not want them. I want other things…but I guess there is no point in wanting other things when I do not know what they are.    

The new year, new friends and new adventures.

I hope the year has been good to you so far. I hope you had a great time in ushering the year. I tend to believe the first day of a year, month or week determines how the rest will be. Like if you get to class late on the first day, then you are going to be late for the rest of that year, month or week. I know this to be true coz it’s happened to me.

Now that I’ve said that I hope it’s not true for my friend. She had quite an eventful new year's eve. Her name is Scarlett...ok that's not her real name, but I’ll call her that coz she loves Scarlett Johansson plus she has these qualities you can only find in white girls.

So like most young people she decided to go partying on that night. As she and her friend got intoxicated, all these crazy thoughts crept into her mind. She is always very careful but all that caution was thrown to the wind when she decided to smoke weed in a club in town. I don’t people should even think about weed when you are in Nairobi…not with so many hungry cops around. Anyway, I guess there was a little sanity left in her, coz they figured the best place to do it was the bathroom. They were enjoying the trees they smoked but it didn’t last for long. Some stupid and very jealous woman went and told the bouncer about my friend and her little adventure.

So this massive frame came in and swung the door to the ladies open. The two party girls had already finished their joint but the smell gave them away. The bouncer started causing and threatening to call the cops. My friend started arguing that he had no evidence that they were smoking anything illegal. She was feeling like this very great lawyer who was addressing a jury and arguing that Onyancha is innocent. I guess her smart ass remark pissed off that bully coz that mother fucker slapped her. Right across the cheek…ouch!

I know I should feel sorry for her but I find it very hilarious coz when she told me the story, she made sound like he just stepped on her toe. It’s still funny just remembering the tone of her voice, like it wasn’t such a big deal.

I don't have any crazy story to share on my part about this little holiday coz i spent most of the time at home being a good girl. I hope you all have a blessed year where all your dreams get to come true. Even those nasty ones that you think about every now and then.

Redefining,rediscovering and reinventing myself.

 A 22 year old beautiful, carefree, fun loving woman looking for the best things in life without having to work for them. I want someone who can be able to predict my desires before me and be in a position to fulfill them.  If you meet these criteria, I promise to make worth your while. Interesting parties should call 0712345678. No jokers please.

That is a personal ad of a very desperate woman …me. Desperate times call for desperate and if things don’t change soon, that’s what you’ll see in the lonely hearts corner. If you actually bump into this ad, it means we are in the same boat. Why else would you be waltzing around that part if you weren’t looking for something? But I wouldn’t judge you.

Since am a very nice person (yes, nice…the kind who’ll bake you cookies when you come over and send you a card every holiday) I decided to look some of the most hilarious personal ads ever. Here they are in no particular order.

• Ploughing the loneliest furrow. Nineteen personal ads and counting. Only one reply. It was my mother telling me not to forget the bread on my way home from B&Q. Man, 51.
• Slut in the kitchen, chef in the bedroom. Woman with mixed priorities (37) seeks man who can toss a good salad.
• I've divorced better men than you. And worn more expensive shoes than these. So don't think placing this ad is the biggest comedown I've ever had to make. Sensitive F, 34.

Source http://planetgonecrazy.blogspot.com/

Source http://www.oddee.com/

I know you are wondering what sparked this personal ad story. Well, a couple of days ago, I met a guy called Paul who asked me who I was. So I told him what I do and froze up after that... I couldn’t think of anything else that could describe me who I was except that.  He asked me why am doing my graduate work a few months after graduation. My answer was very simple…I couldn’t get a job. But I know that wasn’t a great excuse. The truth is I have been too lazy to look for a job.

So when I got back to this shitty little place called my room, I started thinking about what he said. My life has really changed in the past few years. So much so, that I sometimes feel like some part of my being is gone and it’s been replaced by something from a galaxy far away.

I still talk a lot, am still lazy but I forgot how to dream. A few years back, I could close my eyes and picture my life in this tropical island where I had servants who even had servants. But all that has been replaced with a need to settle. Nowadays my dream has been replaced with “I wish I get to visit a tropical island at least once in my life.”

I hate that I have to compromise what I want. I know this happens to a lot of people, but I never pictured it would happen to me.

My journey in finding a new me begins now. HAN, NEW AND IMPROVED...in stores soon.

He put them low profiles on my car
He treats me to a pedi plus manicure
Anything I ask for from my sponsor he go and bu-bu-bu-buy buy
A baby blue madalion I just got
My feet they speak italian walk so hot
I tell him baby thanks alot
My sponsor he go and bu-bu-buy buy

He ain't no square
He just likes to share
In love with a tip for throwin hundreds in the air
Throw some over here
And loui drop the loui drop the loui in my lap

Yeaaah (and all my ladies say)
Yeaaah (the go go girls say)
Yeaaah (hey hey)
I got myself a sponsor
Yeeaaah (to fill up a drank for me)
Yeeaaah (to fill up a tank for me)
Yeeaaah (to put something in the bank for)
I got myself a sponsor
...
He must be a rapper, baller, doctor, dentist
Corner boy, cook chef, chemist
I don't even care
Just so long as he goes and bu-bu-buy buy


I was just listening to that song and started thinking maybe I should get myself a sponsor, it can't be that bad.
I might not have a car that needs to be pimped and the closest I have ever come to a mani-pedi was watching legally blonde, but  still...who can say no to a little extra cash? You can get some Jimmy Choo knock offs and lie about how your cousin in New York bought you those shoes at some high end shop Manhattan.

                                              These are actually real.                                                                                   

Too bad the only kind of sponsors you can find this side of the planet come in a very unaesthetic package...very old, grizzly looking fellas with pot bellies.It can't be good walking around town with someone like that...makes you look your market value. The young boys hate you, young women secretly envy you but make themselves feel better by talking shit about you and the older generation uses you as an example of everything gone wrong in society. But since the prospects of me getting a spomsor border on zero, I'll drop the topic for now.

In other unrelated and random news...I might have to kill my neighbour. He is not adding value to my life, if anything he's responsible for ruining the most beautiful thing in my life right now. He is tampering with the most satisfying element of my young adult life. I mean nothing gives me more pleasure than this and he has to come along and take it away. In that respect I may be forced to terminate his existence if he ruins my morning sleep again. Because I have the laziest routine known to man, I get to sleep late and get up late. But this inconsiderate prick who lives next door starts playing the most boring songs as early as 8 30 am. Plus, as if that wasn't bad enough he always sings along. If I hear him sing Lazizi one more time I might be forced to ask Sauti Sol to come kick his ass coz he's ruining it.
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I just remembered how big he is, so I need a guaranteed-to-work plan.

Today am not going to say a lot coz I doubt there is anyone reading this. Am starting to think this is an effort in futility. But who cares..i'll just go on writing coz am sure half the time no one listens to what am saying.
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I have to go now...there is a lot out there waiting for me.

   

So this was meant to be an everyday thing, but between chasing my dreams, facing reality, overcoming nightmares and keeping my fantasies in check. I lost track of time. But that doesn’t seem like a good enough reason. The truth is I went home and when that happens, I slip into stupid mode. The stupid mode is that designated condition I get into when all that matters is how much food I eat and what’s on TV. This includes everything from documentaries, news to a lesson or two from my Naija brethren on how to be rich and steal your best friend’s man. Since those are my only hobbies, I always do such with a lot of passion. Maybe I should get other hobbies before I have to change my wardrobe again and have to give up some privileges like heels. New hobbies.. this is going to be tough. Aahh! It’s exhausting to even think about it. It’s just easier to continue stuffing myself with more sugar and carbs. After all, true beauty is on the inside ..ha ha. That sounded like a desperate attempt at making myself feel good. But in this day and age when you can literally alter who and what you are…it shouldn’t be that hard. If I get more big, I’ll just get a gastric by-pass, lipo or even a sex change. Like Cher’s kid… Chaz.  Since I thought of becoming an entertainment reporter, let me fill you in. so this chic was a chic but she realized that she fancied the same sex when she was a teenager. Sasa you know that vibe of feeling trapped in your body blah blah blah ...yeah she was struck with that and in 2008, the transformation began. So now she is a he. I wish that could happen this side of the planet.

This is how she looked before…and after.

I don’t know if she got the whole package but she/he does have a hot girlfriend.   

So I think I should now stop the gossip there and move on to more important things…like my studies. This never ending quest to prove am not dumb. To sit through a lecture by someone who’s hoping you won’t notice his stupidity in an attempt to wipe away yours. But it now feels like am doing it coz I have no idea what I want career wise. Maybe I’ve been thinking too pedestrian. I should evaluate opportunities available as a tampon tester, armpit-smell-tester, breath odor evaluator or flatulence smell-reduction underwear maker. Maybe I might lose weight from all that vomiting.

while you ponder if you are in the right career path..i'll go deal with my assignments.

where it all started..

I always wanted to start my own blog..but in this age, who doesn't? My own blog would be cool as it will be a reflection of who I am..kinda like how people have kids and it makes them happy to see a part of themslves in someone else. But since having kids is not an option for me right now, i have settled on a blog to be an outgrowth of who i am. Outgrowth..mmhhh..doesn't sound like a cool word..makes me think of being in an agriculture class.We'll find a better synonym..i hope thats how u spell synonym.
  
Onwards and onwards..so i realised that my life was not exactly how i had hoped it would be. Am not rich, no prince charming knocked on my door with a glass slipper..and even if he did i doubt the shoe will be my size(do they make size 10 glass slippers?)   There are many other reasons but for the sake of my public image, i will not disclose them right now..i have to play cool and yes i do have a public image..in my head i rule the world..enough said.

Plus there is the getting old part..which i detest. I wish i could stay young forever..have the energy to dance all night and attend my lectures during the day but my body has other plans. To wear me down to a life of routine and make me get comfortable with what i have. The process has already began and it scares me shitless. I think i need to find a reason to make it better.. some sort of gratification..like how ugly chicks always claim that there are too busy for boys or some bullshit like that when the truth is..no man would look at them twice. OK, I admit that was harsh , but no one ever thinks they are ugly..unless you are a character in a teen movie who has self esteem issues.  

After careful analysis, i came to the conclusion that i should start blogging. this will give me a great opportunity to bore people with my thoughts and i can go on and on about anything. I get to be the boss.