Redefining,rediscovering and reinventing myself.

 A 22 year old beautiful, carefree, fun loving woman looking for the best things in life without having to work for them. I want someone who can be able to predict my desires before me and be in a position to fulfill them.  If you meet these criteria, I promise to make worth your while. Interesting parties should call 0712345678. No jokers please.

That is a personal ad of a very desperate woman …me. Desperate times call for desperate and if things don’t change soon, that’s what you’ll see in the lonely hearts corner. If you actually bump into this ad, it means we are in the same boat. Why else would you be waltzing around that part if you weren’t looking for something? But I wouldn’t judge you.

Since am a very nice person (yes, nice…the kind who’ll bake you cookies when you come over and send you a card every holiday) I decided to look some of the most hilarious personal ads ever. Here they are in no particular order.

• Ploughing the loneliest furrow. Nineteen personal ads and counting. Only one reply. It was my mother telling me not to forget the bread on my way home from B&Q. Man, 51.
• Slut in the kitchen, chef in the bedroom. Woman with mixed priorities (37) seeks man who can toss a good salad.
• I've divorced better men than you. And worn more expensive shoes than these. So don't think placing this ad is the biggest comedown I've ever had to make. Sensitive F, 34.

Source http://planetgonecrazy.blogspot.com/

Source http://www.oddee.com/

I know you are wondering what sparked this personal ad story. Well, a couple of days ago, I met a guy called Paul who asked me who I was. So I told him what I do and froze up after that... I couldn’t think of anything else that could describe me who I was except that.  He asked me why am doing my graduate work a few months after graduation. My answer was very simple…I couldn’t get a job. But I know that wasn’t a great excuse. The truth is I have been too lazy to look for a job.

So when I got back to this shitty little place called my room, I started thinking about what he said. My life has really changed in the past few years. So much so, that I sometimes feel like some part of my being is gone and it’s been replaced by something from a galaxy far away.

I still talk a lot, am still lazy but I forgot how to dream. A few years back, I could close my eyes and picture my life in this tropical island where I had servants who even had servants. But all that has been replaced with a need to settle. Nowadays my dream has been replaced with “I wish I get to visit a tropical island at least once in my life.”

I hate that I have to compromise what I want. I know this happens to a lot of people, but I never pictured it would happen to me.

My journey in finding a new me begins now. HAN, NEW AND IMPROVED...in stores soon.

He put them low profiles on my car
He treats me to a pedi plus manicure
Anything I ask for from my sponsor he go and bu-bu-bu-buy buy
A baby blue madalion I just got
My feet they speak italian walk so hot
I tell him baby thanks alot
My sponsor he go and bu-bu-buy buy

He ain't no square
He just likes to share
In love with a tip for throwin hundreds in the air
Throw some over here
And loui drop the loui drop the loui in my lap

Yeaaah (and all my ladies say)
Yeaaah (the go go girls say)
Yeaaah (hey hey)
I got myself a sponsor
Yeeaaah (to fill up a drank for me)
Yeeaaah (to fill up a tank for me)
Yeeaaah (to put something in the bank for)
I got myself a sponsor
...
He must be a rapper, baller, doctor, dentist
Corner boy, cook chef, chemist
I don't even care
Just so long as he goes and bu-bu-buy buy


I was just listening to that song and started thinking maybe I should get myself a sponsor, it can't be that bad.
I might not have a car that needs to be pimped and the closest I have ever come to a mani-pedi was watching legally blonde, but  still...who can say no to a little extra cash? You can get some Jimmy Choo knock offs and lie about how your cousin in New York bought you those shoes at some high end shop Manhattan.

                                              These are actually real.                                                                                   

Too bad the only kind of sponsors you can find this side of the planet come in a very unaesthetic package...very old, grizzly looking fellas with pot bellies.It can't be good walking around town with someone like that...makes you look your market value. The young boys hate you, young women secretly envy you but make themselves feel better by talking shit about you and the older generation uses you as an example of everything gone wrong in society. But since the prospects of me getting a spomsor border on zero, I'll drop the topic for now.

In other unrelated and random news...I might have to kill my neighbour. He is not adding value to my life, if anything he's responsible for ruining the most beautiful thing in my life right now. He is tampering with the most satisfying element of my young adult life. I mean nothing gives me more pleasure than this and he has to come along and take it away. In that respect I may be forced to terminate his existence if he ruins my morning sleep again. Because I have the laziest routine known to man, I get to sleep late and get up late. But this inconsiderate prick who lives next door starts playing the most boring songs as early as 8 30 am. Plus, as if that wasn't bad enough he always sings along. If I hear him sing Lazizi one more time I might be forced to ask Sauti Sol to come kick his ass coz he's ruining it.
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I just remembered how big he is, so I need a guaranteed-to-work plan.

Today am not going to say a lot coz I doubt there is anyone reading this. Am starting to think this is an effort in futility. But who cares..i'll just go on writing coz am sure half the time no one listens to what am saying.
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I have to go now...there is a lot out there waiting for me.

   

So this was meant to be an everyday thing, but between chasing my dreams, facing reality, overcoming nightmares and keeping my fantasies in check. I lost track of time. But that doesn’t seem like a good enough reason. The truth is I went home and when that happens, I slip into stupid mode. The stupid mode is that designated condition I get into when all that matters is how much food I eat and what’s on TV. This includes everything from documentaries, news to a lesson or two from my Naija brethren on how to be rich and steal your best friend’s man. Since those are my only hobbies, I always do such with a lot of passion. Maybe I should get other hobbies before I have to change my wardrobe again and have to give up some privileges like heels. New hobbies.. this is going to be tough. Aahh! It’s exhausting to even think about it. It’s just easier to continue stuffing myself with more sugar and carbs. After all, true beauty is on the inside ..ha ha. That sounded like a desperate attempt at making myself feel good. But in this day and age when you can literally alter who and what you are…it shouldn’t be that hard. If I get more big, I’ll just get a gastric by-pass, lipo or even a sex change. Like Cher’s kid… Chaz.  Since I thought of becoming an entertainment reporter, let me fill you in. so this chic was a chic but she realized that she fancied the same sex when she was a teenager. Sasa you know that vibe of feeling trapped in your body blah blah blah ...yeah she was struck with that and in 2008, the transformation began. So now she is a he. I wish that could happen this side of the planet.

This is how she looked before…and after.

I don’t know if she got the whole package but she/he does have a hot girlfriend.   

So I think I should now stop the gossip there and move on to more important things…like my studies. This never ending quest to prove am not dumb. To sit through a lecture by someone who’s hoping you won’t notice his stupidity in an attempt to wipe away yours. But it now feels like am doing it coz I have no idea what I want career wise. Maybe I’ve been thinking too pedestrian. I should evaluate opportunities available as a tampon tester, armpit-smell-tester, breath odor evaluator or flatulence smell-reduction underwear maker. Maybe I might lose weight from all that vomiting.

while you ponder if you are in the right career path..i'll go deal with my assignments.

where it all started..

I always wanted to start my own blog..but in this age, who doesn't? My own blog would be cool as it will be a reflection of who I am..kinda like how people have kids and it makes them happy to see a part of themslves in someone else. But since having kids is not an option for me right now, i have settled on a blog to be an outgrowth of who i am. Outgrowth..mmhhh..doesn't sound like a cool word..makes me think of being in an agriculture class.We'll find a better synonym..i hope thats how u spell synonym.
  
Onwards and onwards..so i realised that my life was not exactly how i had hoped it would be. Am not rich, no prince charming knocked on my door with a glass slipper..and even if he did i doubt the shoe will be my size(do they make size 10 glass slippers?)   There are many other reasons but for the sake of my public image, i will not disclose them right now..i have to play cool and yes i do have a public image..in my head i rule the world..enough said.

Plus there is the getting old part..which i detest. I wish i could stay young forever..have the energy to dance all night and attend my lectures during the day but my body has other plans. To wear me down to a life of routine and make me get comfortable with what i have. The process has already began and it scares me shitless. I think i need to find a reason to make it better.. some sort of gratification..like how ugly chicks always claim that there are too busy for boys or some bullshit like that when the truth is..no man would look at them twice. OK, I admit that was harsh , but no one ever thinks they are ugly..unless you are a character in a teen movie who has self esteem issues.  

After careful analysis, i came to the conclusion that i should start blogging. this will give me a great opportunity to bore people with my thoughts and i can go on and on about anything. I get to be the boss.