my hour on the couch

When I decided to start blogging, I felt like I needed some outlet to release all the things I couldn’t handle inside. But I am too much of a critic that I never even let any thoughts come alive and I hardly ever experience any of my feelings. I always have something to write about by I would change my mind after two seconds. Am too uptight and such a stuck up bitch that I can’t give myself a chance to live through some experiences. My dreams and ambitions always remain that because I can never bring myself to work towards them.

I never know what I want in life. I can’t make simple decisions on what to have for breakfast or what shoes to wear. I rely on impulse and those heat-of-the-moment decisions. I can’t really say that this has been going well for me because I wouldn’t be saying this. I have wanted so many things in this life and haven’t gotten around to achieving any of them.

I have seen myself change over the past four years. My priorities have changed my life goals, my fears and my passion. I used to hate being alone but today I hardly come into contact with people. On any average day of my life today I see the cleaning lady, the lady at the café where I eat and my lecturer. Sometimes I don’t even have any lectures and I’ll spend the whole day in my room watching episodes of Big Bang Theory that I’ve watched over a thousand times.  I have over fifty movies that I haven’t watched but I can’t bring myself to that point where I want to watch them.

What is so wrong with me that I can’t give myself the pleasure of experiencing something new? Why do I have to have what I have already had?

I didn’t intend on this blog to be my therapist’s couch but I have to let a little steam off. Most of the time I come off as this woman who has no care in this world but it’s not the real me.  I have this vulnerable side that I never let anyone see. Very few people know me. If I died today, am sure everyone will have a different story as to who I was a person. Every time I see my reflection in a mirror it’s always another person staring back at me. I haven’t seen myself since I was seventeen years old. Back then I had a very clear description of soul and being. I could very easily give an explanation of my existence.

I know you are all thinking that life doesn’t always turn out the way you wanted and some things are bound to happen but I feel like I shouldn’t lose myself when am this young. Am barely into my twenties and I have no idea what I want or even why I want anything. I say I don’t know so many times, some people think it should be my name.

As short as my life has been, I have had a lot of things that most people would wish for. But these are things I do not want. I might need them but I do not want them. I want other things…but I guess there is no point in wanting other things when I do not know what they are.    

The new year, new friends and new adventures.

I hope the year has been good to you so far. I hope you had a great time in ushering the year. I tend to believe the first day of a year, month or week determines how the rest will be. Like if you get to class late on the first day, then you are going to be late for the rest of that year, month or week. I know this to be true coz it’s happened to me.

Now that I’ve said that I hope it’s not true for my friend. She had quite an eventful new year's eve. Her name is Scarlett...ok that's not her real name, but I’ll call her that coz she loves Scarlett Johansson plus she has these qualities you can only find in white girls.

So like most young people she decided to go partying on that night. As she and her friend got intoxicated, all these crazy thoughts crept into her mind. She is always very careful but all that caution was thrown to the wind when she decided to smoke weed in a club in town. I don’t people should even think about weed when you are in Nairobi…not with so many hungry cops around. Anyway, I guess there was a little sanity left in her, coz they figured the best place to do it was the bathroom. They were enjoying the trees they smoked but it didn’t last for long. Some stupid and very jealous woman went and told the bouncer about my friend and her little adventure.

So this massive frame came in and swung the door to the ladies open. The two party girls had already finished their joint but the smell gave them away. The bouncer started causing and threatening to call the cops. My friend started arguing that he had no evidence that they were smoking anything illegal. She was feeling like this very great lawyer who was addressing a jury and arguing that Onyancha is innocent. I guess her smart ass remark pissed off that bully coz that mother fucker slapped her. Right across the cheek…ouch!

I know I should feel sorry for her but I find it very hilarious coz when she told me the story, she made sound like he just stepped on her toe. It’s still funny just remembering the tone of her voice, like it wasn’t such a big deal.

I don't have any crazy story to share on my part about this little holiday coz i spent most of the time at home being a good girl. I hope you all have a blessed year where all your dreams get to come true. Even those nasty ones that you think about every now and then.